The Incredible Saga of the Cockroach and the Sock Puppet

(Also known as: Kelly Comes to Visit)

Once upon a time there lived a young cockroach who felt a great and powerful love for banana-flavored protein shakes. These were conveniently located down the street where giant mice were planning a raid on the cockroach's house. They had a battle in a giant jello-wrestling arena. Many spectators arrived and greedily bet on the Soviet-Era Piglet Federation, undefeated in it's entire history. Unfortunately, the piglets ate both cockroaches and white mice, making for the surprise discovery of the healing powers of mousemeat, as the piglet's worms were miraculously cured. However, in an unfortunate incident involving the misidentification of three corpses and a fingernail, our hero jumped out of his helicopter, hoping to die. But he forgot that at that moment, he was flying over the marshmallow Peep factory! So, he performed a spinning dive-bomb maneuver in a desperate attempt to splash all the water out of the swimming pool below and save the octopus from drowning. Conveniently, the octopus did attempt to hug our hero with his crumbelievable crumb-snatcher. This attempt conveniently failed when our hero ate all the crumbs first, yelling, "take that you stupid white-mouse piglet!" Shockingly, the piglet broke down and began to weep. Never had his intelligence been so insulted. Yet, after quietly contemplating Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair, he picked his nose and screached at finding a bloody booger. "Cockroaches don't have noses!" he sobbed, thrusting out his antennae. In an attempt to inconvenience his foe, he succeeded initially when the caterpillar mistook the antennae for a sexually stimulating lollipop. The little buggy, she was so enticed she ran to the local soda shoppe and ordered aother down of the fine candies from Phil, the soda clerk. Phil had always been afraid of piglets, insects, and other things, and the clerk was prepared to take advantage of this. (Although why a cockroach should fear the tender advances of Phil, who clearly wanted some bug love, was quite unclear.) After pondering the events of this remarkable day, our hero vowed to first, never again insult piglets, and second, to kill that ugly clerk. So with that in mind, everyone gathered to rejoice, when a nearby volcano erupted, sending a series of crazy events in motion that ultimately resulted in the final redemption of the members of the animal kingdom, who, in spite of their brutal acts, all ascended to heaven, except for Sweaty Jimmy, who took a wrong turn and ended up in Detroit.

The End.