Pleasantly Surprised in Winston Salem

This weekend Patrick and I drove 13 hours (round trip) down to Winston Salem to one, visit Steve in his new digs, and two, try out wedding dresses. Well, I was the only one trying on wedding dresses, but I guess the idea is that we both benefit. Why go to WS for dresses? www.makingmemories.org -- that's why. Buying their donated dresses benefits the wish fulfillment of people diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. And yes, I did buy one.

But the really fun part was how totally not lame Winston Salem was! For a city named after cigarettes, I figured it would be dated, stinky, and/or bereft of natural beauty. It was, happily, none of those, and really quite lovely. Kind of like Atlanta without the traffic. Or the peaches. Or Coke. (In fact, Patrick had a tough time finding Coca Cola in the state of Pepsi.) But really it was charming.

Why I haven't yet submitted my cat for destruction

The bad points:

- She pees on the bed on a fairly regular basis (once every couple of weeks ... sometimes we're lucky and we'll go a few months)
- She is always hungry and always wants to eat. But if she eats more than 12 kibbles, she will puke.
- She gets moody and will go from lovey to bitchy in .09 seconds.

The good points:

- She eats her puke if we leave it there.
- She is really cute!

- She gets excited when I come home.

- She purrs when I rub her ears.
- She likes to sit on my lap.

In conclusion, Nijma needs to stop peeing on the bed. Then she will be a very good cat. We can overcome the puking thing, it's really just the peeing that is dooming her to a short life in the animal shelter.

Bridge to nowhere ... except a sore butt

Actually, that title is a lie. The Golden Gate bridge most definitively goes somewhere, and in my case, it was someplace really nice. Unfortunately, I only had enough time to ride my rented bike over the bridge and through Sausalito in a desperate search for the ferry (which is too cool to have a sign), spill someone else's mocha on my foot, and buy my own cappuccino which only served to splash on my coat. My coffee-smelling self had a wonderful ferry ride back to San Francisco and overall had a really wonderful adventure.

The trip in general was great. I had fun with my Executive Leadership Training group, enjoyed Burmese food with Eddie, got shivers standing in a solitary confinement cell in Alcatraz, communed with the past at the San Dolores Mission and walked all over the place. Thanks to all you taxpayers for financing my vacation. Just kidding - I worked. Really!

The view from inside a solitary confinement cell in Alcatraz.

The Story of Jerome Littleflower, part 6

The tale of Patrick's brother's kidnapped gnome ... These emails were sent from tims_gnome_jerome@yahoo.com in July 2006.

For those just joining us, please go to 2006 for part 1.

Installment 6:

Deeah Teem,

Eye am riut-eeng you as a nuw man. Yees, Teem, Eye am a nuw man nowe. Eye now nows hoo Eye am. Eye am NUT a neec nac, Teem! Eye am a man weeth deesyres und pashuns! You nuver letted mee nows theese deesyres and pashuns, Teem. Eet tuk sum-one else. Sum-one spechul.

You shuld bee huppy fore mee, Teem, beecuz Eye am een luv, and luv and wuv. Hee ees a wunder-ful man, Teem, dees man who shows mee hoo Eye ees and lurns mee how too bee. I metted heem when Eye wuz shoppings, Teem. You nuver taked me shoppings, Teem, so how wuld Eye knows wat could happen wen you goes shoppings?


Eye mite nut ri-ut you agun, Teem, becuz wee are plunning owr new liyf. Eye hope you cun bee huppy for mee, Teem.

Gud-bie.

Jay-rome, the nome.

Combat Goes to a Whole New Level

The sun hasn't yet tinged the dark morning sky, and your squad patrols through the dense jungle, tense with anticipation and fear. The humidity blankets you, smothering your breath and making each step an effort. The enemy is everywhere, and yet nowhere. Your muscles quiver with the exhaustion of hours of expectation.

Suddenly - POW! One of your men is down! Pow! Pow! Pow! Violence flies past you on every side. Phwap! Phwap! Fast and furious they come, the mini marshmallows, wrecking havoc left and right, but all you see is the white flash of their trails and perhaps, just perhaps, through the foliage a glimmer of pvc pipe in the distance.

The mini-marshmallow gun, I have recently discovered, is a thing of pure beauty. Well, it will be, until Patrick gets one and starts using it in the house, pelting the cat and leaving sticky, shrivelled mini marshmallows for the ants to come and devour in bits.

Lampertum!

"That which initially impressive but, upon further consideration, was found to be distinctly less so."

Spread the word. Literally. Lampertum!

So as to facilitate comprehension and dissemination, I'll give a few examples:

• Sadly, Mary's date turned out to be rather lampertum, as became evident when he chipped her tooth while trying to make out with her.
• The concert was lampertum, especially because the lead singer persisted in belting out lines in spite of his distinctive bronchitis.
• See also: The Mullet. For one approaching a mullet-wearer from the front, the experience may be lampertum.
  

How Many Weddings Will We Attend In Our Lifetimes?

I added one more to my tally this weekend ... I got to see my beautiful cousin Christine tie the knot. I resisted greeting her in our traditional way, with a gregarious body slam (primary impact zone = protruded belly). I hear brides aren't into that sort of thing.

And speaking of brides, the rumor is I will one day be one. Maybe even at this place ... Although mysterious new developments may put that plan on hold. Or accelerate it. Or have no impact. The suspense is mounting!