Bridge to nowhere ... except a sore butt

Actually, that title is a lie. The Golden Gate bridge most definitively goes somewhere, and in my case, it was someplace really nice. Unfortunately, I only had enough time to ride my rented bike over the bridge and through Sausalito in a desperate search for the ferry (which is too cool to have a sign), spill someone else's mocha on my foot, and buy my own cappuccino which only served to splash on my coat. My coffee-smelling self had a wonderful ferry ride back to San Francisco and overall had a really wonderful adventure.

The trip in general was great. I had fun with my Executive Leadership Training group, enjoyed Burmese food with Eddie, got shivers standing in a solitary confinement cell in Alcatraz, communed with the past at the San Dolores Mission and walked all over the place. Thanks to all you taxpayers for financing my vacation. Just kidding - I worked. Really!

The view from inside a solitary confinement cell in Alcatraz.

The Story of Jerome Littleflower, part 6

The tale of Patrick's brother's kidnapped gnome ... These emails were sent from tims_gnome_jerome@yahoo.com in July 2006.

For those just joining us, please go to 2006 for part 1.

Installment 6:

Deeah Teem,

Eye am riut-eeng you as a nuw man. Yees, Teem, Eye am a nuw man nowe. Eye now nows hoo Eye am. Eye am NUT a neec nac, Teem! Eye am a man weeth deesyres und pashuns! You nuver letted mee nows theese deesyres and pashuns, Teem. Eet tuk sum-one else. Sum-one spechul.

You shuld bee huppy fore mee, Teem, beecuz Eye am een luv, and luv and wuv. Hee ees a wunder-ful man, Teem, dees man who shows mee hoo Eye ees and lurns mee how too bee. I metted heem when Eye wuz shoppings, Teem. You nuver taked me shoppings, Teem, so how wuld Eye knows wat could happen wen you goes shoppings?


Eye mite nut ri-ut you agun, Teem, becuz wee are plunning owr new liyf. Eye hope you cun bee huppy for mee, Teem.

Gud-bie.

Jay-rome, the nome.

Combat Goes to a Whole New Level

The sun hasn't yet tinged the dark morning sky, and your squad patrols through the dense jungle, tense with anticipation and fear. The humidity blankets you, smothering your breath and making each step an effort. The enemy is everywhere, and yet nowhere. Your muscles quiver with the exhaustion of hours of expectation.

Suddenly - POW! One of your men is down! Pow! Pow! Pow! Violence flies past you on every side. Phwap! Phwap! Fast and furious they come, the mini marshmallows, wrecking havoc left and right, but all you see is the white flash of their trails and perhaps, just perhaps, through the foliage a glimmer of pvc pipe in the distance.

The mini-marshmallow gun, I have recently discovered, is a thing of pure beauty. Well, it will be, until Patrick gets one and starts using it in the house, pelting the cat and leaving sticky, shrivelled mini marshmallows for the ants to come and devour in bits.

Lampertum!

"That which initially impressive but, upon further consideration, was found to be distinctly less so."

Spread the word. Literally. Lampertum!

So as to facilitate comprehension and dissemination, I'll give a few examples:

• Sadly, Mary's date turned out to be rather lampertum, as became evident when he chipped her tooth while trying to make out with her.
• The concert was lampertum, especially because the lead singer persisted in belting out lines in spite of his distinctive bronchitis.
• See also: The Mullet. For one approaching a mullet-wearer from the front, the experience may be lampertum.
  

How Many Weddings Will We Attend In Our Lifetimes?

I added one more to my tally this weekend ... I got to see my beautiful cousin Christine tie the knot. I resisted greeting her in our traditional way, with a gregarious body slam (primary impact zone = protruded belly). I hear brides aren't into that sort of thing.

And speaking of brides, the rumor is I will one day be one. Maybe even at this place ... Although mysterious new developments may put that plan on hold. Or accelerate it. Or have no impact. The suspense is mounting!

Benchmarking Training

I was at a training for work this week and unfortunately have to confess that I didn't learn a whole lot. I think that's because there wasn't a whole lot to learn, but perhaps I missed something. I did have a great time visiting with my team and am looking forward to our next meeting in San Francisco! But since I wasn't learning in Cambridge, at least I was keeping myself occupied ...

Melanie felt that she was tired of getting flowers and turtles from her paramour so she sent him a letter asking him to be more creative. She never knew if he received the letter but he did stop sending her flowers and turtles. Instead, she received snails and pine cones. These were slightly more interesting than before but still she was uninspired. So she sent another letter. Melanie stopped receiving gifts after that, so she found a new paramour. Melanie fell in love with a butterfly and she followed him as he wandered. She saw the world in her wanderings but still she felt all alone. Not only was she not receiving gifts, she was not receiving any attention or affection. She was really following and not participating. She was alone. Was it because she had asked for too much? Or because she was chasing rather than gathering her dreams? After some thought, Melanie left her butterfly. It so happened that they were in Canada at the time, so she stayed and ate maple syrup, with pancakes of course. Then she rode a moose which was quite the experience, as she had never done that before and she promptly fell off. Melanie almost hit her head but she didn't. When she picked herself up, as the moose ran away, she brushed off her skirt and, to her surprise, found bright gold flakes all over her. As she looked around in wonder, Melanie saw gold glimmers everywhere. Imagine that - gold, in Canada! But Melanie knew it wasn't gold she wanted, so as she walked back home, she told the inhabitants of the nearest village about the gold, of which they were pleased to learn. Melanie kept walking looking for her own happiness. But it is difficult to find something if you don't know even some about the thing. Melanie sat down by a small pond and thought. As she thought she saw a turtle basking in the sun. He looked happy so Melanie asked him if, indeed, he was. The turtle smiled and then plopped into the water where he blew many bubbles through his nose. Melanie laughed. And then she stopped. She realized that was the first time she had laughed spontaneously by herself in a long time. Melanie thought and thought and thought. The sun turned pink and set, and it rose, and it set. Melanie thought of her old paramour, of the butterfly, the moose, and the turtle. And she thought of herself and maple syrup and the sun. Then she found happiness. It was, of course, there all the time, but she never had the courage to see it. But when she stopped being afraid and let happiness live inside her, she didn't need to find it anymore.

The view from my hotel room

Foos!

Last night I played foosball for the first time in quite a while - maybe a year. Tom and Sonia are the latest owners of the SAIS refurbished foosball table, and it's a perfect fit in their newly converted foosatorium. (Not to be confused with a foosaterrium, vomitorium, atrium, or any other such space.) My skills are still a little rusty, but I pledge to bug Tom and Sonia for as much access and practice time as possible. Ah, the joy.