The Story of Jerome Littleflower, part 5

The tale of Patrick's brother's kidnapped gnome ... These emails were sent from tims_gnome_jerome@yahoo.com in July 2006.

For those just joining us, please scroll below for part 1.

Installment 5:

Deeah Teem, thees ees your nome Jayrome. Eye am riut-ing you frum sum weayr ulse. Sum weayr that ees not weayr you aar oor weayr Eye wuz. Eye am riut-ing you frum a majeecall playz, a playz fill uf wunders and majeec. Wiiy deed you nut tayk mee here, Teem? Teem, wiiy deed you nut tayk mee eneeweayr?

Eye weel tell you uboot thees playz, Teem. Eye dun’t nuw wiiy, you are meeen Teem and dun’t deeseerve eet, buut Eye weel tell you aneewayyys.

Een thees playz you can seee ull thee wurld, Teem, ull thee wurld et unce. Eye weel tell you, Teem.

Teem, feerst Eye weent to veesut mye reelutuves. Mye reelutuves leeve in thees playz, Teem, thees amayzeeng playz.

Afteer Eye veesuted mye reelutuves, and told theem abut mye lyfe (theye haytes you, Teem, they duz), Eye weent sumewayre eels.

Theen, Teem, I weent to the Amricun Hayrtlaynd. Eet wuz red.

Teem, nuxt wuz thee Alaskuh. Een thee Alaskuh eet ees cold, theye tulled me thayt. Eye sawed thayt eet was cold, tooo. Veery cold, Teem, you shud hayv beeen theyr. Eet wuz cold liyk your hart, Teem.

Thee next theeng wuz to go sumwayr wurmer. Sumwayr warmer, Teem, nut lyk your hart.

Theyn Eye weent to Thee Wurm Cuntry. Eye ferget wat eet wuz culled. Eet wuz wurmer and niyce. Eye ated bananas.

Sow, Teem, wat doo you theenk? Doo you weesh you wuz heer? Eye thut so. Eet gets butter.

Nayxt Eye weent to Sweeserlund. Eye ayt chez.

Beecuz Sweeswerlund wuz so creemey, Eye needed sumthing refreshing.

Thayt is almost thee end, Teem. Bhut Eye weent won mur playz.

Theee Smuuthee Eees KEENGG!!

The Incredible Saga of the Cockroach and the Sock Puppet

(Also known as: Kelly Comes to Visit)

Once upon a time there lived a young cockroach who felt a great and powerful love for banana-flavored protein shakes. These were conveniently located down the street where giant mice were planning a raid on the cockroach's house. They had a battle in a giant jello-wrestling arena. Many spectators arrived and greedily bet on the Soviet-Era Piglet Federation, undefeated in it's entire history. Unfortunately, the piglets ate both cockroaches and white mice, making for the surprise discovery of the healing powers of mousemeat, as the piglet's worms were miraculously cured. However, in an unfortunate incident involving the misidentification of three corpses and a fingernail, our hero jumped out of his helicopter, hoping to die. But he forgot that at that moment, he was flying over the marshmallow Peep factory! So, he performed a spinning dive-bomb maneuver in a desperate attempt to splash all the water out of the swimming pool below and save the octopus from drowning. Conveniently, the octopus did attempt to hug our hero with his crumbelievable crumb-snatcher. This attempt conveniently failed when our hero ate all the crumbs first, yelling, "take that you stupid white-mouse piglet!" Shockingly, the piglet broke down and began to weep. Never had his intelligence been so insulted. Yet, after quietly contemplating Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair, he picked his nose and screached at finding a bloody booger. "Cockroaches don't have noses!" he sobbed, thrusting out his antennae. In an attempt to inconvenience his foe, he succeeded initially when the caterpillar mistook the antennae for a sexually stimulating lollipop. The little buggy, she was so enticed she ran to the local soda shoppe and ordered aother down of the fine candies from Phil, the soda clerk. Phil had always been afraid of piglets, insects, and other things, and the clerk was prepared to take advantage of this. (Although why a cockroach should fear the tender advances of Phil, who clearly wanted some bug love, was quite unclear.) After pondering the events of this remarkable day, our hero vowed to first, never again insult piglets, and second, to kill that ugly clerk. So with that in mind, everyone gathered to rejoice, when a nearby volcano erupted, sending a series of crazy events in motion that ultimately resulted in the final redemption of the members of the animal kingdom, who, in spite of their brutal acts, all ascended to heaven, except for Sweaty Jimmy, who took a wrong turn and ended up in Detroit.

The End.

Now and Then

On January 31, 1997, in Kim's basement, Lauren, Kim, Rachel and I signed four bits of wrapping paper promising to meet at the Sandy Spring on February 1, 2007 at 4pm. (I sealed my signature with blood from a picked scab on my knee. The others, in spite of my efforts to persuade them, wouldn't do the same.) So, ten years (plus a few days, as Feb. 1 was a Thursday) later, we did meet at the Sandy Spring, behind Sherwood High School. We spent the whole day together, talking lots, eating lots, doing some shopping and seeing Kim's baby. It was amazing not to feel as old as I thought I would back in 1997 when I signed that paper. (Geez, I'm not even married yet!) It was also amazing to feel how little things have changed between me and my girls. We've gone through a lot, and continue to do so, but it's wonderful to have a space with such unconditional love and support. As well as a space with lots of room for ice cream sundaes!